****Be forewarned. This blog entry is not short and not happy. Read at your discretion.****


I'm so angry at so many things and situations in my life.

1) My infertility is a big one. I'm so frustrated that we can't move forward with meds and/or treatments right now. I HATE the forced break from medications. This cycle is inching very close to 36 days meaning that it's a non-ovulatory cycle. Basically another waste of a cycle.

If we don't get pregnant soon then I really think it's going to hinder how many children we have. I don't want to be a old mother. Yes I freaking already know that 24 is not old. But if I get pregnant with the next cycle I'll be 25 when that baby is born. OB's almost exclusively recommend not getting pregnant before the first child is a year old due to the high risk of preterm delivery and complications with the uterus. So that will put me at 26...with the second child being delivered when I'm 27. That's if it all goes right. Then you gotta factor in that 90% of your eggs are gone by the time you are 30 years old.

I also HATE when people tell me to "just relax"...ok ..how about you go through the unknown with people telling you left and right that all you need to do is 1)relax, 2)go on vacation, and 3)focus on other things. I've been told all that and much more. There are very few close to me that even understand how difficult this is. Those that say that God has a plan....are making me think they are off their rocker. What God chooses to deny a child to responsible, educated, married couples? Get back with me when you have the answer to that one.

2) My job loss is obviously another thing that I am angry about. The whole situation is just freaking ridiculous. My stupid boss has yet to get back with me. It will be 7 days tomorrow since I gave her the grievance report. She had a 5 day mandatory time limit to respond. She either doesn't care or can't read. If I am offered my job back I will probably have to go back to nights since I would be "starting over." That fact really doesn't even bother me. Never in a million years did I think I would get fired from the job that I was born to do.

3) Money. This probably doesn't need an explanation. Money has a hand in every decision we make as a human. It has the power to prevent you from doing something and at the same time has the power to allow you to do something. All of the money that we have saved for our next house that we hope to build is about to go completely out the window if I can't get a job asap. That is depressing.

4) I am also intermittently angry with Andy because I just want to move forward with trying to get pregnant and he is insisting on this 4 month break. He believes we will get pregnant on our own. I think he is delusional sometimes. I'm the one who has done the research and has seen the ultrasounds showing that my left ovary is not functioning and the right one barely gave a good response with the highest dose of medication. Maybe I should have made him come with me to 5 ultrasounds, 4 visits with the OB, and 2 shots. Oh and maybe I could have somehow let him experience the ovulation pain, the side effects of the Clomid, and the agony of waiting to test and finding out it's negative. Guys have it a thousand times easier.

Sorry if I offended anyone or gave too much information. My life is not easy right now and I HATE not knowing what's going to happen.